First on the agenda: how to remove leaches.
Yup, this is a real risk. They'll be hiding on the backs of leaves in the 98% humidity, just waiting for a tasty meal to walk on by! Even better than trying to remove the little suckers, I'd rather try and avoid letting them get attached in the first place! So, I'll be tucking my trousers in my socks and covering the whole lot in insect repellent. I might even go so far as wearing some leach socks - basically a knee high Christmas stocking with elastic round the top. Sexy.
If I'm unlucky enough to get leached, I won't be ripping them straight off! I won't be burning them or covering them in salt either! All of those things cause them to vomit into the wound as punishment for cutting their brunch short and we don't want that! The best thing to do is play along with the circle of life and allow them to finish their meal. Don't worry, they won't drink you dry! After 20 minutes or so when they're full, they'll just fall off and probably have a nice after dinner power nap!
Next up: wild boar ticks!
Boar ticks are nasty little things (as small as a full stop on this page) which can cause a nasty infection if you just pull them out. The best way to remove them is by smothering them with a bit of cooking oil, they'll just drop right out. Apparently another good way to get rid is by using Sellotape! Better pack a roll!
There are many types of parasites in southeast Asia which can cause all kinds of nasty! You can get them from eating raw food, especially fish, pork and vegetables. Some are also transmitted through the skin by walking barefoot. To avoid getting a parasite, drink bottled water and use it to clean your teeth, ensure that food is fully cooked and wear your wellies on the beach.
If a snake bites you, try to get a good look at it or, better still, take a photo so you can describe it when medical help arrives (and to your grandkids when you're telling them about the time you got bitten by a 12 foot python in the jungle). Don't try to suck the poison out and don't pee on it either (that's jelly fish). What you need to do is apply pressure using an elastic bandage wrapped tightly; starting at the bite and working upwards to the chest (if you get bitten on your little toe you'll need a mighty big bandage!) - fingers and toes should be kept free so that you can check the circulation. The limb should be immobilised with a splint. If you don't have one, a big stick will do but make sure there are no snakes hiding under it! Most importantly, get medical attention immediately.
And finally: how to win a fight with a crocodile.
Ok, I'm not sure how likely this is to happen, but it's best to be prepared (and if I get my self into a situation where I need to fight a crocodile then more fool me - I'm not Mick Dundee for goodness sake)!
If you have time, you should firmly push your thumbs into the crocs eye sockets. If he's already bitten your arms off then you're going to need to kick him in the nuts and run like the clappers!