How to win a fight with a crocodile... And other useful tips for surviving in the jungle.

It's only a couple of days now until I head into the jungles of Borneo so I thought it would be a good idea to brush up on my survival skills!

First on the agenda: how to remove leaches.

Yup, this is a real risk. They'll be hiding on the backs of leaves in the 98% humidity, just waiting for a tasty meal to walk on by! Even better than trying to remove the little suckers, I'd rather try and avoid letting them get attached in the first place! So, I'll be tucking my trousers in my socks and covering the whole lot in insect repellent. I might even go so far as wearing some leach socks - basically a knee high Christmas stocking with elastic round the top. Sexy.

If I'm unlucky enough to get leached, I won't be ripping them straight off! I won't be burning them or covering them in salt either! All of those things cause them to vomit into the wound as punishment for cutting their brunch short and we don't want that! The best thing to do is play along with the circle of life and allow them to finish their meal. Don't worry, they won't drink you dry! After 20 minutes or so when they're full, they'll just fall off and probably have a nice after dinner power nap!

Next up: wild boar ticks!

Boar ticks are nasty little things (as small as a full stop on this page) which can cause a nasty infection if you just pull them out. The best way to remove them is by smothering them with a bit of cooking oil, they'll just drop right out. Apparently another good way to get rid is by using Sellotape! Better pack a roll!

Avoiding parasites.

There are many types of parasites in southeast Asia which can cause all kinds of nasty! You can get them from eating raw food, especially fish, pork and vegetables. Some are also transmitted through the skin by walking barefoot. To avoid getting a parasite, drink bottled water and use it to clean your teeth, ensure that food is fully cooked and wear your wellies on the beach.

Snake bites.

If a snake bites you, try to get a good look at it or, better still, take a photo so you can describe it when medical help arrives (and to your grandkids when you're telling them about the time you got bitten by a 12 foot python in the jungle). Don't try to suck the poison out and don't pee on it either (that's jelly fish). What you need to do is apply pressure using an elastic bandage wrapped tightly; starting at the bite and working upwards to the chest (if you get bitten on your little toe you'll need a mighty big bandage!) - fingers and toes should be kept free so that you can check the circulation. The limb should be immobilised with a splint. If you don't have one, a big stick will do but make sure there are no snakes hiding under it! Most importantly, get medical attention immediately.

And finally: how to win a fight with a crocodile.

Ok, I'm not sure how likely this is to happen, but it's best to be prepared (and if I get my self into a situation where I need to fight a crocodile then more fool me - I'm not Mick Dundee for goodness sake)!

If you have time, you should firmly push your thumbs into the crocs eye sockets. If he's already bitten your arms off then you're going to need to kick him in the nuts and run like the clappers!

Happy trekking!

Source: google.com.au via Cheryl on Pinterest

Location:The sofa

Human pin cushion

Just had my injections for Malaysia. Didn't cry. Didn't faint. I'd call that a success!

On the other hand...

£170 on malaria tablets = fail.

Just Lion Around!

Spring has officially sprung here in Sheffield. The sun is out, the birds are singing, daffodils are showing there pretty golden heads. So we thought we'd have a ride out to Knowsley Safari Park to see what's going on in the animal kingdom.

The last time I went to Knowsley, I was 14 and I got kissed on the lips by a sea lion - needless to say, I was excited to go back!

First up were the lions. They'd just been fed so they were just lion around (geddit?) sleeping off the four legged meal they'd just eaten. There was a couple of cubs in the pack and one of them was practicing his pouncing skills on a magpie - I bet that doesn't happen in Africa!

We were so close we could have touched them. The big male even used our car wing mirror as a scratching post, pressing his glorious mane up against my window so that I could put my hand up to it and imagine I was stroking him.

The lions were one of my favourite animals.

Next were the monkeys. There was a sign 'turn right for car friendly route' of course, we turned left! How bad could it be? Just as we drove through the gates and into the enclosure we saw why people might want to drive around the outside of the enclosure - cars had monkeys hanging off their windscreen wipers, pulling at their mirrors, jumping on their roofs, we even saw a pick up with several giant baboons hitching a ride in the back - looked like fun to me!

We drove past a floret of broccoli and just as I saw it, so did a little monkey who decided to pick it up to try and eat it - as soon as he got hold of it, all of the others wanted it too so the baby took refuge on our car roof, followed by several others! For the rest of the trip, including half the ride home, there were little bits of broccoli rolling down the wind screen! We turned out to be the main attraction (I'm not sure people could see there was a car under the big pile of broccoli munchin monkeys), all the other cars were videoing us... Who knows, we might end up on YouTube. The monkeys were one of my favourite animals.

This is a Blackbuck. You can't really tell on this picture, but they had lovely wavy horns. They were very affectionate with one another, licking each others faces and nuzzling necks at the watering hole. They were one of my favourite animals.

The white rhinos were amazing. You can't even imagine how big they are until you're sat right next to one... And boy, are they big! Their skin is like thick car tyres and those horns must be at least 2ft long! Would you ever imagine that something that size and weighing up to three tonnes could run at 50 kph? My car struggles to do that sometimes! A group of rhinos is called a crash... Hardly surprising considering that's the noise they make when they sit down.

I loved the rhinos, they were one of my favourite animals.

Oh and the elephants! I have always loved elephants. One of these ones had some real anger issues though. He kept throwing things in the pond and even threw a log at one of his friends! That guy needs some anger management counselling I think! The elephants were one of my favourite animals!

The giraffes were very shy and were hiding in their big shed which is surprising as they are 15 ft giants! What have they got to be afraid of? Could it be all the screaming kids trying to feed them boiled sweets through the railings? Anyway, one of them got brave and came for a wander around his yard. I was able to get a good close look with the telephoto lens on my camer, they really are beautiful. Their skin is just like velvet and they have such a knowing look in their eyes like they have seen everything and nothing could surprise them.

The giraffes were one of my favourite animals.

Meerkats. I just can't look at them without imagining them wearing a red velvet smoking jacket and complaining in a Russian accent about the price of car insurance. Needless to say, they were one of my favourite animals.

And finally, the reason we came! The sea lion show! There were three of them in the show, each with their own personality. There was Reggie the baby - he was quite shy but eager to please and said yes to everything. Arthur was the noisy one who liked to get his own way and was jealous of all the attention (and fish) Reggie was getting. Max was 14 years old and obviously the sensible one in the group. He was like a proud dad and clapped every time the others did a trick.

Their performance was brilliant and they clearly love doing it. They did everything from handstands to high jumps, back flips and impressions of seals (the're is a difference, ask Wikipedia). They are such clever creatures...

... And guess what? They were one of my favourite animals!